Funny Quotes





I changed my password everywhere to ‘incorrect.’ That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, ‘Your password is incorrect.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I’m scared!

– Funny Quotes

 

 

When you fall, I will be there to catch you – With love, the floor.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Hate your job? Join our support group! It’s called EVERYBODY. We meet at the bar.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Beer is proof God Loves us and want us to be happy.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

If there’s no love in the world,… let’s make some.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

When the past comes knocking, don’t answer. It has nothing new to tell you.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

He who wakes up early, yawns all day long.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

A text message can lead to a date, which can lead to a kiss, and a wonderful night together. Will you text me?

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Life doesn’t have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

I just ate some garlic, so I can’t talk.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Alcohol, what’s that? It’s not in my vodkabulary, but let me check in whiskypedia.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

When I was small I thought money and fame brought all the happiness in the world. Now that I’m grown up, I know I was right.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

If A is success in life, then A is equal to X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is play; and Z – keeping your mouth shut.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

I don’t understand what’s bothering you honey, I bring you coffee in bed every morning, all you have to do is grind it.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Your bank account can be overdrawn, but it can never be overfilled.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Behold the flying elephant, one day it flies and one day it doesn’t… today it doesn’t.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Why are you waiting so long to report your stolen car to the police? I’m giving them time to fix it.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

If you can’t find your better half, try finding your better two quarters.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you’re holding is a half eaten sandwich.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Give me a photo of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

If you want someone who will listen to you every time, do everything you tell them to do, and always be there for you for better or for worse, get a dog.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Yesterday I did nothing and today I’m finishing what I did yesterday.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Let’s have a beer together, you can open it and I will drink it.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

If you want a good golf swing adjust the nut at the other end of the club!

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Laughter is like a windshield wiper, it doesn’t stop the rain but allows us to keep going.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

The best way to show a giraffe your love is to knit a scarf for it.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Store sign: Why go somewhere else and waste your money? Come here!

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Buy our alarm clock and you will sleep soundly.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Whomever tries to drown their sorrows by drinking should know one thing: they know how to swim!

– Funny Quotes

 

 

A good dog is a bad dog.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

When you fall, I will be there to catch you – With love, the floor.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Studying means 10% reading and 90% complaining to your friends that you have to study.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Those who snore always fall asleep first.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

There is no better moment to postpone something you don’t want to do other than right now.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

I’m looking to buy a new boomerang, how can I throw the old one out?

– Funny Quotes

 

 

It’s really complicated to make something simple, but very simple to make something something complicated.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

The amount of time it takes for a minute to go by is proportionally dependent with the distance to the bathroom door.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

If you eat in the kitchen, your room is always clean, and you go to sleep at 9 o’clock, it means you don’t have Internet!!

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Man came down from the tree, then he cut the tree down.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Two mice are eating a movie film roll at a cinema when one says to the other: this movie is good, but the book was better!

– Funny Quotes

 

 

My doctor prescribed laughter as the most efficient medicine, unfortunately the pharmacist said too many people were crying from laughter so it’s no longer available.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!

– Funny Quotes

 

 

When we go to seafood restaurants I tell them ‘Just water for me, thanks.’ – Fish

– Funny Quotes

 

 

I’m fast, great and unstoppable! You’re a train??

– Funny Quotes

 

 

All of us light up a room, some when they enter, others when they leave.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

I’m sorry officer but I can’t stop speeding… the earth is spinning way over the speed limit in this zone.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

I’m in desperate need of a 6 month vacation… twice a year.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Relationships these days start by pressing LIKE on her photo.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

God please give me patience, if you give me strength I will just punch them in the face.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Could you please be as silent as the G in lasagna?

– Funny Quotes

 

 

I’m sorry that I’m not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

I’m trying to think how I can think of what I want to think.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

He grabbed her hand and held it tightly, and she thought, “he loves me!” And he thought, “wow this sidewalk is icy!”

– Funny Quotes

 

 

In the morning I can’t eat, I’m thinking of you. In the evening I can’t eat, I’m thinking of you. In the night I can’t sleep.. I’m so hungry!

– Funny Quotes

 

 

What great energy, intelligence, and magnificent beautiful eyes… But enough about me, how are you doing?

– Funny Quotes

 

 

How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Your mind needs exercise just as much as your body does, that’s why I think of jogging every day.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

In my house dirty dishes are like rabbits, they keep multiplying.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Stop the earth from spinning, I want to get off!

– Funny Quotes

 

 

I’m not lazy, I’m just very relaxed.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

“Oh you want to have your cake and eat it too?” Darn right, what good is cake if you can’t eat it ?

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Long time ago I used to have a life, until someone told me to create a Facebook account.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I’m scared!

– Funny Quotes

 

 

They say money doesn’t bring happiness, but everyone still wants to prove it for themselves.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

My friend, remember that without stupidity there wouldn’t be intelligence, and without ugliness there wouldn’t be beauty, so the world needs you after all.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

I looked into my wallet and it was empty, I looked through all my pockets and they were all empty, then I looked into my heart and I found you, and only then I figured out how rich I was.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Most of the time… when you’re crying, nobody notices your tears.

Most of the time… when you’re worried, nobody feels your pain.

Most of the time… when you’re happy, nobody sees your smile.

But when you fart just one time…

– Funny Quotes

 

 

If you think patience is a virtue, try surfing the net without high speed Internet.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Facebook status: I’m not online, it’s just an optical illusion.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

For This year I wish you 12 months of happiness, 52 weeks of fun, 365 days of success, 8760 hours of great health and 525600 lucky minutes! Happy New Year!

– Funny Quotes

 

 

For this New Year’s day, weather forecasters are warning of an incoming storm of hugs and kisses all over the planet… we advise closing your umbrella and opening your heart.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Christmas is the time when you buy presents with the money from next year.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

What’s happening with your phone, every time I call you it says ‘The subscriber you’re calling is a monkey, please contact the zoo.’

– Funny Quotes

 

 

If we were on a sinking ship, and there was only one life vest… I would miss you so much.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

I don’t work on weekends, or any other day that ends with “Y”.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

There was a robot invented in China that catches thieves. In Australia it caught 10 thieves, in America it caught 100, in France 1000, and in Romania, somebody stole the robot.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Officer: I had a feeling I’d catch someone speeding here. Driver: I know, that’s why I came as fast as I could!

– Funny Quotes

 

 

The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

When life gives you lemons, follow the five-step plan:

Sit on the couch.

Turn on the TV.

Throw lemons at life.

Force life to make lemonade for you.

Drink the lemonade.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

An expert is a person who has made every possible mistake in a small field of study.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

Sometimes you succeed…. and other times you learn.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

I didn’t find out what happiness means until I got married… and then it was too late.

– Funny Quotes

 

 

If I keep paying attention, I’m going to be in debt!

– Funny Quotes

 

 

I’m going to open a new Facebook account named ‘Anonymous’ so all the cool quotes will be attributed to me!

– Funny Quotes



Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *